Top ten ways to keep cats out of the garden was debated quite passionately in the office, and most of the suggestions were unrepeatable here unfortunately and did involve torture and other unmentionables… so here’s the lowdown on how to do it with advantages and disadvantages of each:

The best way is naturally to buy a cat yourself. Other cats will stay out of his territory. Two problems with this. Number one, I’d have to have a cat. Number two, knowing my luck, I’d get a sociable cat who’d invite his mates round. So no.

The second best way is to buy a dog. I have a dog. Two problems with this. Number one, my dog is both small and stupid and takes ages to spot the cat. Number two, my dog likes cats so if they don’t move, she backs off and wants to play. So for this to work you need a big, scary, kick-ass dog. Aside from the fact, I don’t have the room for a big dog, this would also involve me taking the dog for long walks, leaving the garden unguarded.

So, that just leaves the practical options:

Apparently, you can leave bottles of water round the garden - cats don’t like the light reflecting off it. I reckon the cats aren’t being given enough credit here and they’ll be back. Plus, we live in the UK, we get very little light.

Hosepipe - now this they’re scared of, but when I tried this, I fell asleep waiting for them. It can get quite cold sat outside waiting… Solution: you can apparently get one with an infra-red sensor so when the cat walks in front of it, it squirts them with water. Did I mention my dog was stupid? (and I’d probably have to remember not to walk in front of it too)

Chemical repellents - you can buy these from your local garden centre. They don’t work but feel free to waste your money.

Moths balls - these do work apparently, but can be choked on by dogs and small children. Excellent, this would keep everyone away. No good for me though, the dog might be stupid but I quite like having her around, makes me feel intelligent.

Pepper/cayenne/mustard powder apparently really does work. But again, I hasten to point out, we live in the UK, too much rain.

Chicken wire/prickly plants - these deter cats, providing you don’t have any trees for them to climb over. Naturally, I have a tree, and even better, it’s in my next door neighbour’s garden so I can’t even chop it down. Or believe me, I would do that.

And the options for when you get really desperate and are sick of cleaning up:

You can always mark the territory yourself and that will keep the cats away. I’m not going to resort to that one quite yet, thank you. I don’t think any explanation is necessary.

Catapults/airrifle - very, very effective in one-on-one combat, but tiring and you’ll have to keep it up forever. Particularly useful for making an example of that one damn annoying cat…