Have you ever been outwitted by a devious artificial plant? I have. It makes me feel inferior.

Time was, you could easily spot an artificial plant, because it was probably just a piece of cardboard cut into a childish approximation of the shape of a plant and then painted green. Things have moved on since then. The damn things are more cunning.

These days we’ve progressed to a point where you sometimes can’t tell whether a plant’s real or not, even after touching it. People put them in compost to disguise their artificiality. You can probably get them dusted with pollen that’s been manufactured in a lab.

Far from being laughably naff stains on your home decor, artificial plants are actually worthy of consideration these days, particularly if you’re lazy or forgetful and have seen a whole procession of green guests wither and die in the corner of your room. You can’t kill something that isn’t alive. They don’t need watering. They don’t need you.

Yes, artificial plants are here, cluttering up the place and thinking that they’re better than you. Are you going to stand for it? You’re going to have to. You can’t even set fire to the faux-botanical invaders because they’re fire retardant.